Yes Minister: Who Watches the Watchmen?

[Although this has one similar element to another Yes, Minister sketch I posted here, I thought it worth publishing. It was inspired by the Government's decision not to follow through with mandatory porn filters at ISPs. I have to suspect there's a little glimmer of truth behind the fiction. This time, to honour the recent Yes Prime Minister theatrical production, I've put it in stage play layout, not the usual teleplay format.]

JIM HACKER'S OFFICE

JIM HACKER at his desk. Enter SIR HUMPHREY APPLEBY, trying to balance smugness and sympathy, and not altogether succeeding.

SIR HUMPHREY: Bad news, Minister. Apparently, the Internet Service Providers are up in arms about your new censorship initiative.

JIM HACKER: Censorship?

SH: The, um, sensitive-site blocking proposals?

JH: Oh, the child protection measures!

SH: Quite so, Minister.

JH: Well, what are they complaining about this time? The last time I spoke to them, they were whinging about how porn was using so much of their - uh -

SH: Bandwidth?

JH: Bandwidth, yes - that they couldn't afford their power bills!

SH: The last time you spoke to them, Minister, was just before the previous Election.

JH: That's as it may be, Sir Humphrey, but why have they changed their tune so suddenly?

SH: Bandwidth has become cheaper in the past few years Minister. But then you - sorry, the present Government - passed legislation forcing them to store every web search, email and file request. For every user. For a decade. I think they might have taken it a little personally.

JH: Heavens above! Is it that big a thing, blocking porn unless the customer opts in?

Sir Humphrey waits for the penny to drop. It remains stubbornly aloft.

SH: It might be wise not to antagonise the ISPs, Minister.

JH: Why on Earth not?

SH: That new legislation...let us imagine a situation, Minister, where a Minister's internet records were obtained by, say, the journalist friend of an ISP's aggrieved CEO? And published?

JH: I see what you mean, Sir Humphrey. I'm sure my own records would be quite unimpeachable -

SH: An interesting choice of words, Minister.

JH: - yes, well, um...but there might be others...

SH: Indeed.

JH: So what do we do? If that's what's at stake, how can we stop it now? It's policy!

SH: Perhaps, if I might suggest...a public consultation?

JH: Hmmm?

SH: There's already something of an upswell against the proposals. Canvass the public, gather the views, then cancel the policy as a demonstration of popular democracy in action.

JH: Sir Humphrey - that's...genius! Do it!

SH: Yes Minister.

Sir Humphrey and the Consultation

[This was inspired by the current Review of statutory duties placed on local government procedure. Anyone who's watched "Yes, Minister" should recognise the style.]


INT. CABINET OFFICE

JIM HACKER is pacing, SIR HUMPHREY placidly watching.


JIM HACKER
This is preposterous! I don't have time to
be reviewing every bit of legislation that's
ever been passed, on the off-chance it
might be inconvenient for someone!

SIR HUMPHREY
You don't have to...

JIM HACKER
I mean - how can we possibly manage an
exercise that big without inventing three
extra days in the week and abolishing sleep?

SIR HUMPHREY
You might care to...

JIM HACKER
I just can't see how...

SIR HUMPHREY
Minister!

JIM HACKER
...Mmm?

SIR HUMPHREY
It's really quite simple, Minister. Announce
a public consultation.

JIM HACKER
But that'll mean even more work!

SIR HUMPHREY
Not necessarily, Minister. It's all about
managing expectations.

JIM HACKER
Mine or yours?

SIR HUMPHREY
The public's, of course. You announce the
consultation with fanfares and speeches.
Then you summarise all the primary
legislation in a couple of spreadsheets.
I think - oh, a thousand rows or so each
ought to do it. Then you publish the
spreadsheets and announce a closing date for
comments of a week later. Or two, if you're
feeling courageous. You're not feeling
courageous, are you, Minister?

JIM HACKER
Well, I have my...
(catches himself)
No, no, of course not, Sir Humphrey!

SIR HUMPHREY
Delighted to hear it. So, by the time anyone
whose opinion is actually worth anything has
even started on the job, the consultation is
over, and you can plough ahead doing whatever
you were planning to do anyway.

JIM HACKER
Sir Humphrey, that is brilliant! You are an
absolute genius!

SIR HUMPHREY
Yes Minister.